June 2, 2009
Daniel Goleman on Ecological Intelligence
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October 13, 2008
With social fragmentation so rampant today, I was deeply heartened by the writing of Isabel Allende in her memoir The Sum of Our Days. She tells us her story of fleeing Chile in 1975, after General Augusto Pinochet came into power and established an anti-communist dictatorship – and eventually making her way to California, where she was without social ties or old familial bonds. With courage and determination, she built and rebuilt, with great effort and love, a new “tribe”, as she calls it. Allende writes:
That was a period of many adjustments in the family’s relationships. I think that my need to create and hold together a family, more accurately, a small tribe, had been a part of me since my marriage when I was twenty years old, had grown stronger on leaving Chile – when my first husband and children reached Venezuela we had no friends or relatives except my parents, who had also sought asylum in Caracas – and was consolidated when I found myself an immigrant in the United States. Before I came into Willie’s life he had no idea what a family was; he lost his father when he was six, his mother retired into a private spiritual world to which he had no access, his first two marriages failed, and his children had very early set off on the path of drugs. At first, it was difficult for Willie to understand my obsession with gathering my children around me, to live as close to them as possible and to add others to that small base to form the large, united family I had always dreamed of. Willie considered it a romantic fantasy, impossible to carry out on the practical level, but in the years we’ve lived together not only has he realized that this is the way people live in most parts of the world, but also that he likes it. A tribe has it’s inconveniences, but also many advantages. I prefer it a thousand times to the American dream of absolute individual freedom, which, though it may help in getting ahead in this world, brings with it alienation and loneliness.
I found hope in Isabel Allende’s writing, as well as a way forward, that reveals an approach to healing fragmented lives; a way to start over and build a new life when the old one has crumbled.
July 18, 2008
A Budding Relativist
Posted by sociallysustainable under Culture | Tags: adult development, Clare Graves, don beck, green meme, individualist, postmodernism, relativism, relativistic, Robert Kegan, spiral dynamics, Susann Cook-Greuter |1 Comment
June 18, 2008
To Swing or not to Swing?
Posted by sociallysustainable under Culture, Relationships | Tags: affairs, decadence, Fall of Rome, infidelity, marriage, Relationships, relativisim, swinging, The Ice Storm |[3] Comments
Swinging has always seemed like some strange foreign custom to me, like polygamy (one man having multiple wives) or polyandry (wife sharing) or bigamy (marrying another person while still being married to a second). But over the past couple of years I have been surprised at the number of people I have encountered who have told me various stories about swingers. You know, couples that swap partners. Most recently, I was made aware of a swinging circle at a local elementary school here in Mill Valley. The parents apparently rent a block of hotel rooms in San Francisco and exchange partners. I was also told a story of a married man with two children who attended a professional convention in San Francisco and was taken aback when a female VP invited him to attend a Karma Sutra party at her home, where the couples practice sexual positions and techniques openly in her living room. Even an old circle of friends have dabbled on the more innocent side of swinging, limited to kissing and dramatic play.
What is going on? I thought swingers went out in the 70’s with key parties and Barry White. Wasn’t this topic already brilliantly analyzed and illuminated in Ang Lee’s 1997 movie (based on the book by Rick Moody) The Ice Storm? The movie ends in tragedy, after two 1970’s suburban families from Connecticut experiment with swinging, affairs, and petty theft as ways to quell their existential anxiety, boredom and confusion.
I propose two main causes for the fashionable rise in swinging or affairs.
An Era of Decadence, a la The Roman Empire
The Fall of Rome was preceded by a period of decadence and moral disintegration. Decadence was not the cause of the fall, but it was a factor that contributed to the complex decline. The current decline in the United States has long been compared to the Fall of Rome, even if the particular commonalities are not exact. Morris Berman comments in his book The Twilight of American Culture, “Economic decline has an obvious “spiritual” component, which shows up as apathy and meaninglessness” (p.19). In Rome these attitudes revealed themselves as gladiators at the coliseum, copious indulgence in food and drink, orgies, wars, and general excess. In the United States they reveal themselves as mass consumerism, reality TV, wars, decreased literacy and education, and a $14 billion dollar porn industry.
With an increase in decadence often comes a decrease in connection to a sense of values and meaning. When people are disconnected from their deeper selves and from each other, when they feel alienated and empty and bored, when they can’t seem to find their place in the world, they often search for ways to fill the painful void with sex, drugs or alcohol, higher risks, novelty, excessive indulgences, and yes, swinging and affairs. Perhaps even if some people would like to experience a deeper connection to themselves and the world, they still may find themselves swept into the social tides of unconscious decadence, because this is what the tides of social structure push them to do. If people are psychologically and spiritually developed enough, they don’t need to depend upon the social structure to guide them, but unfortunately, many people are not fortunate enough to be so developed. Which leads me to the second cause.
A Relativistic Culture
A process of psychological development exists that spans well into adult life and permeates cultures around the world in similar ways, though often at different stages. In the United States, our current highest level of adult development (though a low percentage of the population have developed to even higher stages, but have little power as of yet) is expressed by a relativistic culture. These individuals are highly tolerant and accepting of differences, but the shadow side of that perception is a blind belief that everything is relative. There is no truth, no set of values, no traditions, no structure. Instead, they believe “to each his own.” And while these beliefs are humanistic and have brought equality to many of our social systems and laws, without any connection to a set of values that give us meaning, and without a structure of some sort that provides human relationships, families and societies with a sustainable practice, we are lost. We become fragmented internally and externally. We take ourselves too seriously, and in essence make choices only for ourselves, without considering the health of the whole. Swingers, being relativists, might say – if it makes me happy to swing, then there’s nothing wrong with it. I’ve heard people say that swinging enhances their marriage, that it makes it more exciting. But from a developmental standpoint, swinging actually does the opposite. It corrodes intimacy and trust. Relativists, or those seduced by decadence, are truly only filling the empty void that has formed within them. They feed the void with indulgences, but they will never be satisfied this way. Buddhists call trying to fill this void “hungry ghosts”. The ghosts are always and forever hungry, and will never be satiated.
Perhaps we should be honest about what kind of relationship we want. There are certainly many forms of relationships. If people want to have a relationship or marriage built upon chasing decadence and novelty and filling the void, they can have that. If they are relativists and want to believe that everything is relative, and that they need not take personal responsibility for their actions, then they can have that. But if they want to have a relationship or marriage built upon trust and intimacy that deepens and develops over time, then swinging is not an option. No matter how much our relativistic minds try to persuade us, and our indulgent selves try to convince us, it just doesn’t work.
The truth is, someone always gets hurt. Real pain always stems from these behaviors, whether immediately, or at some point in the future. To disregard this fact is ignorance, or wishful thinking, or just plain apathy disguised as liberation and acceptance
Below is a video from the movie The Ice Storm, which I highly recommend.
February 17, 2008
Peter Senge on Sustainability
Posted by sociallysustainable under Culture | Tags: global change, institutional change, Peter Senge, sustainability, sustainability in business, systems theory |Leave a Comment
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